Saturday, May 20, 2006

Answer To Jodie Marsh Quiz.

He used to sit on the sofa playing with his knob - like all blokes do - but he did it in a really weird way.


Which unassuming soul said,
In all the time I've been famous, I've never acted like a celebrity. I'm the least diva-ish person you could meet... I'm never stroppy unless someone upsets me first, I have never thrown my weight around and I have never wanted special treatment.

Who is this sadly misjudged person?

Friday, May 19, 2006

Thumbs Down For...

Big Brother: Three months of crazed attention seekers striving to become the next Chantelle. No, no NO!

Dicky's Sticking Up For...

Now, it's rare indeed these days that Dickie finds himself agreeing with either Tony Blair or Jack Straw, BUT even they can be right just once in thousand wrongs, so either take a glance at the sidebar or click on something right.
And yes, I whole heartedly endorse the Straw position on prancing newsreaders: stop pirouetting and get back behind the desk where you belong!
But, for balance, why not find out how they've destoyed the lives of millions of innocent people too.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Writers, Ghostwriters, and Real Writers.

Not the hottest of news, I know, but when I found out that Chantelle* had signed a £300,000 deal to write her autobiography my sympathy immediately went out to the ghostwriter.l
“Oh my God. It’s metal, innit? It’s, it’s… mental, innit? Well mental, know what I mean? Oh my God, like, know what I mean…” The sheer number of words you’d have to endure to obtain any information, a thousand “innits” for every fact. Apart from, “what’s your favourite make up?” it’d be very hard work.
She’s 21, what would we get? A whole chapter on ‘Barbie ‘n’ me‘?
Not, of course, that the start of a life isn’t enough material for a book. There’s a whole genre, the coming of age novel, and many fine memoirs - Nigel Slater’s engrossing ’Toast’ for just one recent example - leave the narrator poised on the cusp of adulthood.
But those are proper books, consciously written, rather than a list of what a Celebrity has done “as told to” a ghostwriter.

*By the way Chantelle does have a second name: it’s “Off Big Brother” in case you didn’t know.

Missing Childhoods

There were two news stories over the weekend which I saw, but had nothing worthwhile to say about: the nine year old boy charged with rape, and the girl who started smoking at nine, drinking at ten and was pregnant at eleven.

Part of the reason for the paucity of entries (only part, mind you: sloth has also been afoot, or possibly adangle) on this blog for the last couple of weeks is that I have been pondering on the growing post-Potter interest in escapist entertainment by adults, the Lord of the Rings movies, the new Narnia series, the resounding success of the new Dr Who.

While the kids are trying to enter the grownup world through booze and sex the adults seem to be looking for their magic door in the wardrobe or the police call box that will take them back to a more innocent world. There are some ideas forming on those thems which will only take shape if I carry on writing and rewriting them

What Do You Call a Woman Who Sells Sex?

I’ve just taken possession of ‘Keeping It Real’ by Jodie Marsh. (If you want to know my thoughts on Jodie Marsh)

The autobiography of a twenty seven year old woman, and she loses her virginity on page eight. Childhood? That’s just the time when you’re waiting to start having sex, isn’t it? She’s a “glamour” model, selling sex, and on page eight fourteen year old Jodie, gasped in excitement and lay back to enjoy the sensation of him inside me. I loved his circumcised cock, it was smooth and clean so finally having it inside me was blissful.

This isn’t a ghostwriter: la Marsh boasts that she sacked hers and did it all herself. So it’s her decision to skip over the first half of her life to get straight to the sex. The book is called ‘Keeping It Real’ her website is ‘the Real Me’ and yet she writes, when I put on an extremely skimpy outfit, it was almost like I was hiding the real me. I gave off a glow of confidence when I entered a room…Men became almost scared of me and girls hated me. In my head it was OK, because I knew that they were probably just jealous.

To my horror I saw a picture of her a couple of months ago where the photographer had scraped off the excess make up and coaxed her into normal clothes. She’s quite pretty underneath. It’s the things she’s done to herself which are ugly, the nose job, the fake blonde hair, the fluorescent veneer on her upper teeth which she’s too mean to match the lower ones with, the clown make up, the fake tan, the fake everything.

If only she could look at herself honestly in a mirror, and accept what’s there, instead of painting over it. But her “keeping it real” is a bit like Jeffrey Archer writing an autobiography and calling it, ‘the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth’.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

"Isn't This An Ideal Time For You?"

Dicky was asked recently, by someone who knows of his bent for "doing" political stuff.
Well, yes, but... I spent the whole time from 1979 to 1997 thinking things would be better if we had a Labour government. And now things are EXACTLY the same. To be honest Dicky finds it a tad depressing.
And the most horrifying aspect of it all is the picture. After the next election there is a real possibility that he will be the single judge of who will be the next government. The deputy leader of the Lib Dems, while they were being lead by a drunk. The man who stood by and allowed the party to fight a General Election with a leader whose frequent drunkenness was public knowledge. And a man who when he finally took some action conducted the most incompetent leadership putsch in political history.
Not the man I'd trust to weigh his own Cabinet seat against the national interest. Sir Menzies Campbell, the most important man in Britain: now that is the stuff of nightmare.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

My New Lodger

Actually it's not: that's a cute gerbil, mine are really:

And they are too shrewd to fall for that trap.
I first spotted my rodent about a month ago, heard a scurrying in the kitchen, went to investigate, and found one of the little rascals sitting on my mop bucket, staring at me.
Next day I went out and bought one of precisely those traps, which was ignored, but, Dicky thought to himself, "maybe it's just a visitor, having a look round," as I'd never found any another sign of rodent activity. A couple of weeks later I heard more scurrying at night, and spotted the hind quarters of a mouse leaving my bedroom.
So, called in the council, who put down little red saucers of seed dyed turquoise, which, until yesterday, I'd thought had also been ignored. Then the council phoned to say that another flat in the building was also accommodating rodents, so I did a thorough check, and they've been at one, just one mind, of the trays of bait. So there are rodents visiting Entrails Towers, though very furtively - no nibbling of packets or any sign of their presence. And they haven't touched another tray of bait that's only a few feet away.
And they haven't fallen for that trap yet.
I've moved the trap right next to the bait which they have nibbled and I await action, though I'm not sure that I really want to remove a squashed mouse from a trap. Couldn't I just give them a ticket and ask them to emigrate?

Building Energy in the mind, body and heart

So that's what they're doing on Thurdays at the Conservative Club!

If you really want to know the way it's justified is...

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Quote Of The Day

I have amazing buttocks Plum Sykes, novelist.

Now leaving aside precisely how they are amazing, (Champion Su Dokuers? Polyglot buttocks? Built in Megabyte Modem?) this does open a whole new area for literary criticism, so...

Next Week:
Martin Amis' Nipples!

Dog Food

No, nothing to do with the Jodie Marsh Diet, "When I go in Macdonalds, I order the same thing every time, it is: large fries, 2 milks and 3 buns with just cheese in (no meat, no dressing). I get laughed at every time I make my order but I don't care. I enjoy my cheesey buns, their fries are vegetarian (ie. not cooked in animal fat) and it's quick and easy to eat. Either that or, Pizza and chips, or run to the local dirty kebab shop to get chips with cheese and burger sauce on." Plus, of course, booze, booze, and more booze.

So that's how she gets those thighs!
No, I'm referring to the latest publishing sensation in Italy. Though some of us might prefer Prince Henrik of Denmark's version of "Dog Food."

Don't Snigger

There absolutely nothing funny about the election for the next Bishop of California, for which three of the candidates live with same sex partners, taking place on Nob Hill. Nothing funny about that at all is there?

Friday, May 05, 2006

Dicky Entrails, The Man Who Makes Or Breaks Careers

"Charles Clarke might be worth a bet though, he'll be looking for a new job soon, I suspect." April 29th 2006, this very place.
Things may have been looking grim for Tessa Jowell, but in stepped Dicky, and she's still there.