Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Now That's What I Call Calamari

Full Giant Squid info.

Unsung Superheroes: Local Government Employees

Today, says Dicky Entrails, is a good day to take a moment away from the self-indulgent whirl of Tesco Swiss Style Muesli, Carte Noire, and Billy Fury 45s with which we normally pack our days, and consider those who toil selflessly to clean our streets, run our libraries, and service us socially. Local government workers: Dicky Entrails salutes you!

Another Superhero!

Monday, February 27, 2006

Time To Re-Evaluate

The avocado bathroom suite?

Let's Do It Leopard Slug Style

Dicky Will Be Hanging Out

At Caffe Nero, 168, Portobello Road, London W11, between 11am and noon, Wed 1st March This may constitute a Happening.

Dicky's Daily Ditty

Dicky was strutting his stuff this morning to the sounds of one of the aesthetic peaks of the 20th century, Frank Ifield's I Remember You (you've got to let it all hang out sometimes)
Then the news came through: one of today's popular crooners, George Micheal (a man not fit, to discerning ears, to handle Rolf's didgeridoo, let alone blow Frank's mouth harp) had been found so "spliffed out" as the youngsters say that he was (allegedly) almost comatose. Still, our slide into cultural, social and aesthetic barbarism has one silver lining, it enables me to recycle my favourite quip about the careless w***er, "George Micheal thinks Viagra's a complete waste of money: when he wants to get turned on he only has to spend a penny.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Dickie's Thought For The Day

An early night often proves a fertile soil for a satisfying stool the next morning.

Back In the Dark Ages,

when even Dicky Entrails was just a wee sprog this was entertainment: a man with truly terrifying facial hair and a penchent for caning young boys' bottoms was considered wholesome family fun in Whacko full details for those of an insensitive disposition rather than a serious sexual assault. Can we, hand on hearts, say, "truly, this is progress"?

truly terrifying facial hair

Just Because I Want To

Nicholas Parsons

The Notting Hill Set

Is Dicky a member you may ask? Well, Dicky has been hanging out in the Portobello Road area for years now! And some of the ideas which may seem way-out now, well, they'll be mainstream tomorrow, just like the sealskin hotpants.

Dicky's Daily Ditty

Today Dicky has been shaking his booty to Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash, while, for some reason, thinking of the England cricket team

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Dickie's Dish of the Day

Each week we like to give the ladies, (and those chaps of a compatable disposition, we're very equal opportunities here) a little quiver of pleasure with a chap who's not just a 'handsome hunk' but: a handsome hunk with a tip-tip mind and a smooth, soothing voice too. So this week's Dickie's Dish Of The Day is News 24 smoothie, 5live newshound and thinking woman's love puppy, Julian Worricker:

pictured here without his 5live kagoule. As he works for footie-mad 5live we'd better have him lightly roasted, with couple of mashed swedes and a buttered turnip.
For those with a taste for leftovers you can still cop an eyeful of asteriod-aware MP Lembit Opik too. As You Lembit

Public Enemy Number One

With Bovine TB rife, and the culprit convicted, who but interfering pinko do-gooders could deny it's time for countryfolk to be allowed to return to traditional ways. Bring back badger-baiting! Not only does Mr Brock get exterminated, but countryfolk have a little well-deserved fun doing it.
Have your say, Badger-Baiting, yea or nay?

Endorsed By Entrails

Dicky's proud to declare himself a supporter of Pro Test. The Pro animal testing for scientific research lobby group. For far too long the veggies and their eco-potty fellow travellers in Chums of Filth have stifled sensible debate on animal testing. Now I love animals, in their proper place: that is in slices on a plate, or tanned to provide figure-hugging garments for the likes of Diana Rigg.

I just look forward to the day when one of the supermarket chains has the bottle to launch a range of products aimed not at the hippy fringe but the silent majority, clearly labelled 'Unsuitable for vegetarians and their ilk' perhaps distinguished by a smoking beagle logo.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Dicky's Got A Queasy Feeling

About the forthcoming England Cricket Tour of India. With 11 fit fellows apiece I'd fancy England to squeak a tight series, but I fear the lower bowel will prove our Achilles' heel.

Nourishing Young Minds

Doing a spot of websurfing earlier I came across Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed. A worthy successor in my mind to the classic, now sadly derided, Scouting For Boys Eyes Right, salute your betters and manly fun in the woods. What's to mock in that?

Don't Forget The Muesli, Lest...

Dicky's Daily Ditty

Today Dickie Entrails has been tapping his toes in time to No More Doggin' by Rosco Gordon

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Dicky's Picks

Peter Allen, a broadcaster who knows his disinterested from his uninterested. And has just told us all about the councillor who has been suspended from his job for dowloading pictures of penises from the internet, claiming he was researching EU condom sizes. And yes, he was a Lib Dem.

Dickie's Thought For The Day

Make today a colon cuddling day.

Dicky's Behind Bars

And none too soon, I hear you say.

Dicky's Splashed Out!

I'm Cured: Official!

I now no longer have Hepatitis C, so my heptologist tells me. Obviously there are still the other matters, but...

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

I Am NOT An Oil Tanker

I am a free man!


I think you may be mixing me up with:

Dickie Arbiter: royal commentator, broadcaster, oil tanker, skating teacher, and a man who has frequently been within sniffing distance of Royalty.
Almost a Royal treasure himself.
Come on, chaps, let's have a rousing hand for Dickie.

Dickie's Thought For The Day

Use today to pamper your pancreas.

It's Nippy Out...

So Dicky's back in again.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Royal Respeck!

At the heart of it, when you think about it, is that Prince Charles just isn't getting enough respect. And you've got to admit, if you're honest, that the standard of bowing and scraping today just isn't what it was just a few years ago, with that awful man and so on.
So, nip along to Dave Cameron, tell him Tony's on a massive vote-winner with the Respect Agenda. Now Cameron's so keen to become Tony he'd chop his own wotsit off if that's what Tony did over Clause 4. So you walk out with a Right Royal Respect Agenda.
Including the Yo! Majesty Scheme where the Heir to the throne goes among inner-city, hoodie, unemployed johnies and recruits them into the Prince's Trust Elite Volunteers. Couple of years on could be CiC of the Prince of Wales' Third, er, Organic Garnders, if you get my drift, sir.

Sire, If a Humble Subject Might Make A Suggestion...

If his Royal Highness is convinced that he's a dissident he might consider self-publishing his dangerous, radical ideas. He might like to consider two versions of the Wisdom of the Heir ,(Snappy title yet New Agey too) a deluxe, organic, everything hand-done, signed and numbered edition for 14,999 guineas and a chav one on recycled Highgove loo paper for 99 quid.
Result, employment for highly skilled luxury book manufacturers, a healthy donation to the Prince's Trust and an enlightened masses. Win/Win!
And I'd be honoured, if asked, to squeeze a toothpaste tube or hold a specimen bottle for the Heir to the Throne.
No, your majesty, I really couldn't take anything for the idea. Well, if you absolutely insist, there isn't an Earl of Worcester, right now, is there?

It's a Royal Dissident?

Not as far as Dickie's concerned, Sir! All Together,
"He's rich, he's green, he ought to be the queen!"

By the bye, should, heaven forbid, our beloved monarch predecease her husband and son, would that mean HRH the Duke of Edinburgh becoming the King Dad?

You can understand why he's worried about climate change, though. As he lives off the income from Cornwall a few high tides and that's one of the kid's trust funds whacked.

Dicky, Hanging Out.

Note that comma, disciples of La Truss
The Dicky, Hangng Out section, dealing with the peregrinations of Dicky, is coming soon, along with extra helpings of luscious Lembit Opik, to our sister site:
Dickie's Innards
and watch out for Dicky's Outings.

Dickie's Thought For The Day

Imagine your prostate as a playful, fluffy kitten, which has sharp claws.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Dickie's Thought For The Day

Make today a special day for your spleen.

Who's Dickie?

That'd be telling, wouldn't it? But there's no question that William Donaldson:

Wykehamist,adulterer, crack-fiend, pimp. is a spiritual ancestor.

We Could All Learn Something From...

Helen Shapiro! Walking back to happiness, Whoopah, oh yeah.Full Lyrics

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Oh Gee, A Misunderstanding...

I don't know why or how, but someone has been maliciously posting my blog with adult content. There is no adult stuff anywhere on my blog, never will be, never has been. I have absolutely no clue why anyone would do this, maybe they don't like juicy fruit? I sure hope this isn't the case.

Writes http://juicyfruiter.blogspot.com/

I mean, if I went around calling myself "Camper Faggot" I'd expect a few risque remarks too

The poor lad's just a:
wholesome all american boy who happens to like gum, animals and the great outdoors, so stop sniggering.

Just like this guy:

Who is not, to the best of my knowledge, known as "juicy fruiter" but is a proud camp ranger.

Which Way Does Dicky Swing?

To Be honest I'm a bit Lib Dem about the whole thing, though at my age and with all the medication it rarely comes up at all.
Sorry, you mean do I prefer it with a Y or an ie. Well, Dickie's none too rigid here either, but you can email me on dicky_entrails@homechoice.co.uk if you really want to. Oh, and please don't offer me anymore of those enlargement pills: I'm already using it as a scarf.

Just Who Does "Dickie Entrails" Think He Is?

A middle-aged pervert in a cardigan? Undoubtedly, but so much more too. A scourge on our vacuous, trivial, celebrity-obsessed society, lacerating the egos of the immoral and inane. Possibly. Somebody who likes Dr Who quite a bit, but not to the extent of being weird about it. Without question. Look upon my weblog, you mightiest of the mighty, and beware. Quiver just a little for no-one, be they from society's Himalaya to it's sewers, none of you are quite invulnerable to Dicky Entrails. Indeed anyone with the courage to undertake a
Flexible Sigmoidoscopy of the soul will come face to something with a part of themselves, hidden deep inside, that really is: Dickie Entrails.

Dickie's Thought For The Day

What use are hidden depths unless one has a diving suit?

Saturday, February 18, 2006


This is my popping to Tesco's for a pint of milk to accompany tommorow's muesli outfit. Nothing too flash.

Dickie's Dish of the Day

Lembit Öpik MP (with a creamy lemon grass and coriander sauce).

Dickie's Thought For The Day

Who needs a personality when you've got a cardigan?

Stifled at Birth.

I'm about the same age as 'Rock'n'Roll'. To think that, back in the days when Bill Haley was flagrently inciting impressionable youngsters to slash cinema seats and, even worse, gyrate their genitals, all by dint of a suggestive kiss curl...

Back then they mocked as reactionary old fuddie-duddies anyone who had the nerve to suggest that we were toppling over the edge of a Niagra Falls of filth which would inevitabley lead to a society with the morals of a putrid cess pit, and indeed Davina McCall.

Now, if just one person had had the courage to make a stand, let's say the producer of Cliff Richard's seminal debut single, and said when the 'Young One' began to warble provocatively, "You can 'Move It' outside, mate. We don't want that sort of filth here."
Think of the torrent of atrocities which could have been prevented in that moment. No 'Summer Holiday', 'Bachelor Boy', 'Goodbye Sam', Hello Samantha', 'Power to All Our Friends', 'Devil Woman', 'Miss You Nights', even 'Mistletoe and Wine': none of them had to happen.
All the monstrous regiment of imitators, all of the DaisyPot Men, and the Terry Tinsels and the Kaiser Chiefs, with their inspiration cut off would have remained harmless skifflers.
And, given a sharp reproof in time, even the 'Peter Pan of Pop' might have been saved from his nightmare of tennis and Christianity and ended up as Harry Webb: happily married.

If only it had happened.

The Face Of Evil

Friday, February 17, 2006

Personal Statement

This column harbours NO unnatural desires towards the flesh of Mark Gatiss.

An Alternative Thought For the Day

By Josh and Jocasta Eco-Warrior, multiply-pierced, dreadlocked recipients of a trust fund.
Josh: Yah, it's like a fact that unless we all stop using filament light bulbs before about August that by early 2009 most of East Anglia will be under 6 feet of water! It may not matter too much if you're a chav living on the sixth floor above the high water mark, but my trust fund's got substantial holdings in East Anglia and I'd be personally affected, so be fair!

And it doesn't have to be too hard if we all just play our part. I can make it virtually carbon neutral every time I take a dump, so long as I only use two sheets of "Extra Green, Twice Recycled, Hemp enhanced by hand, Light Sawdust Finish, Sooper Loo Rolls" only £7.99 per roll of 36 sheets, available exclusively at 'Imagreentwat' Health and Wholefoods. (Owners J&J Eco-Warrior). And then planting an acorn somewhere on the estate. Anyone can do that. So long as they live on a proper estate, not one of those council ones. Yuck.

Dickie's Thought For The Day

Love your heamorrhoids.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

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In the Beginning

was nothing in particular