Wednesday, April 12, 2006

True Romance

"Oh my God! Preston's engaged again."
"Sweet, innit?"
"Innit? They gonna get married?"
"Well, they're engaged."
"It'll be wicked if they get married."
"Yeah, wicked."
"Well wicked."
"Yeah, well wicked."
Etc. Ad infinitum.
Dicky had the misfortune to develop a serious Celebrity Big Brother habit earlier this year.
It involved some pretty awful experiences. George Galloway's erotc cat. George Galoway in general. Frequent glimpses views of parts of Pete Burns one would much rather not see. Even that affront to any reasonable person's sensibilities, Jodie Marsh! But nothing, I repeat nothing, caused me quite as much distress a slistening to the two lovebirds attempting to converse. Their linguistic skills would be a disgrace in ten year olds.
"Wicked, innit?"
"Well wicked."
That's them in their more articulate moments. Now I can understand, to a certain extent, why Chantelle pretended to be even more stupid and ignorant than she actually is: she genuinely didn't know what a gynaecologist is, say, and pretended to think Dundee was in Wales so she can say, "I'm putting it on, playing the cute ditzy role because people think it's cute."Now I don't think ignorance is admirable: the only reason nowadays for lack of knowledge is laziness. But at least she has the excuse she is pretty thick, so pretending to be extremely thick isn't too much of a jump.
But for the prospective husband, who went to university (admittedly he didn't graduate, but he got in, which requires, even today, a glimmer of intellect.) A man who, it slipped out in the show, thinks of himself primarily as a lyricist, and has written an unpublished book, surely he could consruct a sentence?
The problem is, he wants to be famous. His careful study of popular culture had shown him what the audience for Big Brother want. They don't want cleverness, but they want a cute romance.
So he gave the audience what they wanted. I remember the look on his face when, having already looked devastated when he hadn't won, he saw his girlfriend's face and realised he'd destroyed the relationship. The act had turned into reality.
And today, splashed all over the tabloids, Preston and Chantelle announce their engagement. Purely by coincidence on the same day that her new TV show launches (her, for heavens sake, presiding over make up advice! The one who looks like a kid who's raided mom's make up bag wihtout permission.)
There may be those who think they are sweet. "I'm living the dream!" was the scripted line she was given to say on leaving the Big Brother house.
I don't call it living the dream: I'll leave the precise word to you, dear reader, but I'd call them both "someone who has sex for money."


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