The World of Dickie Entrails

Answer To Jodie Marsh Quiz.

2006-05-20T15:40:00.000Z

He used to sit on the sofa playing with his knob - like all blokes do - but he did it in a really weird way.

Quiz.

2006-05-20T13:20:00.000Z

Which unassuming soul said,
In all the time I've been famous, I've never acted like a celebrity. I'm the least diva-ish person you could meet... I'm never stroppy unless someone upsets me first, I have never thrown my weight around and I have never wanted special treatment.

Who is this sadly misjudged person?

Thumbs Down For...

2006-05-19T14:10:00.000Z

Big Brother: Three months of crazed attention seekers striving to become the next Chantelle. No, no NO!

Dicky's Sticking Up For...

2006-05-19T13:48:00.000Z

Now, it's rare indeed these days that Dickie finds himself agreeing with either Tony Blair or Jack Straw, BUT even they can be right just once in thousand wrongs, so either take a glance at the sidebar or click on something right.
And yes, I whole heartedly endorse the Straw position on prancing newsreaders: stop pirouetting and get back behind the desk where you belong!
But, for balance, why not find out how they've destoyed the lives of millions of innocent people too.

Writers, Ghostwriters, and Real Writers.

2006-05-17T17:00:00.000Z

Not the hottest of news, I know, but when I found out that Chantelle* had signed a £300,000 deal to write her autobiography my sympathy immediately went out to the ghostwriter.l
“Oh my God. It’s metal, innit? It’s, it’s… mental, innit? Well mental, know what I mean? Oh my God, like, know what I mean…” The sheer number of words you’d have to endure to obtain any information, a thousand “innits” for every fact. Apart from, “what’s your favourite make up?” it’d be very hard work.
She’s 21, what would we get? A whole chapter on ‘Barbie ‘n’ me‘?
Not, of course, that the start of a life isn’t enough material for a book. There’s a whole genre, the coming of age novel, and many fine memoirs - Nigel Slater’s engrossing ’Toast’ for just one recent example - leave the narrator poised on the cusp of adulthood.
But those are proper books, consciously written, rather than a list of what a Celebrity has done “as told to” a ghostwriter.

*By the way Chantelle does have a second name: it’s “Off Big Brother” in case you didn’t know.

Missing Childhoods

2006-05-17T16:58:00.000Z

There were two news stories over the weekend which I saw, but had nothing worthwhile to say about: the nine year old boy charged with rape, and the girl who started smoking at nine, drinking at ten and was pregnant at eleven.

Part of the reason for the paucity of entries (only part, mind you: sloth has also been afoot, or possibly adangle) on this blog for the last couple of weeks is that I have been pondering on the growing post-Potter interest in escapist entertainment by adults, the Lord of the Rings movies, the new Narnia series, the resounding success of the new Dr Who.

While the kids are trying to enter the grownup world through booze and sex the adults seem to be looking for their magic door in the wardrobe or the police call box that will take them back to a more innocent world. There are some ideas forming on those thems which will only take shape if I carry on writing and rewriting them

What Do You Call a Woman Who Sells Sex?

2006-05-17T16:51:00.000Z

I’ve just taken possession of ‘Keeping It Real’ by Jodie Marsh. (If you want to know my thoughts on Jodie Marsh)

The autobiography of a twenty seven year old woman, and she loses her virginity on page eight. Childhood? That’s just the time when you’re waiting to start having sex, isn’t it? She’s a “glamour” model, selling sex, and on page eight fourteen year old Jodie, gasped in excitement and lay back to enjoy the sensation of him inside me. I loved his circumcised cock, it was smooth and clean so finally having it inside me was blissful.

This isn’t a ghostwriter: la Marsh boasts that she sacked hers and did it all herself. So it’s her decision to skip over the first half of her life to get straight to the sex. The book is called ‘Keeping It Real’ her website is ‘the Real Me’ and yet she writes, when I put on an extremely skimpy outfit, it was almost like I was hiding the real me. I gave off a glow of confidence when I entered a room…Men became almost scared of me and girls hated me. In my head it was OK, because I knew that they were probably just jealous.

To my horror I saw a picture of her a couple of months ago where the photographer had scraped off the excess make up and coaxed her into normal clothes. She’s quite pretty underneath. It’s the things she’s done to herself which are ugly, the nose job, the fake blonde hair, the fluorescent veneer on her upper teeth which she’s too mean to match the lower ones with, the clown make up, the fake tan, the fake everything.

If only she could look at herself honestly in a mirror, and accept what’s there, instead of painting over it. But her “keeping it real” is a bit like Jeffrey Archer writing an autobiography and calling it, ‘the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth’.

"Isn't This An Ideal Time For You?"

2006-05-13T14:40:00.000Z

Dicky was asked recently, by someone who knows of his bent for "doing" political stuff.
Well, yes, but... I spent the whole time from 1979 to 1997 thinking things would be better if we had a Labour government. And now things are EXACTLY the same. To be honest Dicky finds it a tad depressing.
And the most horrifying aspect of it all is the picture. After the next election there is a real possibility that he will be the single judge of who will be the next government. The deputy leader of the Lib Dems, while they were being lead by a drunk. The man who stood by and allowed the party to fight a General Election with a leader whose frequent drunkenness was public knowledge. And a man who when he finally took some action conducted the most incompetent leadership putsch in political history.
Not the man I'd trust to weigh his own Cabinet seat against the national interest. Sir Menzies Campbell, the most important man in Britain: now that is the stuff of nightmare.

My New Lodger

2006-05-11T08:37:00.000Z

Actually it's not: that's a cute gerbil, mine are really:

And they are too shrewd to fall for that trap.
I first spotted my rodent about a month ago, heard a scurrying in the kitchen, went to investigate, and found one of the little rascals sitting on my mop bucket, staring at me.
Next day I went out and bought one of precisely those traps, which was ignored, but, Dicky thought to himself, "maybe it's just a visitor, having a look round," as I'd never found any another sign of rodent activity. A couple of weeks later I heard more scurrying at night, and spotted the hind quarters of a mouse leaving my bedroom.
So, called in the council, who put down little red saucers of seed dyed turquoise, which, until yesterday, I'd thought had also been ignored. Then the council phoned to say that another flat in the building was also accommodating rodents, so I did a thorough check, and they've been at one, just one mind, of the trays of bait. So there are rodents visiting Entrails Towers, though very furtively - no nibbling of packets or any sign of their presence. And they haven't touched another tray of bait that's only a few feet away.
And they haven't fallen for that trap yet.
I've moved the trap right next to the bait which they have nibbled and I await action, though I'm not sure that I really want to remove a squashed mouse from a trap. Couldn't I just give them a ticket and ask them to emigrate?

Building Energy in the mind, body and heart

2006-05-11T08:23:00.000Z

So that's what they're doing on Thurdays at the Conservative Club!

If you really want to know the way it's justified is...

Quote Of The Day

2006-05-06T11:17:00.000Z

I have amazing buttocks Plum Sykes, novelist.

Now leaving aside precisely how they are amazing, (Champion Su Dokuers? Polyglot buttocks? Built in Megabyte Modem?) this does open a whole new area for literary criticism, so...

Next Week:
Martin Amis' Nipples!

Dog Food

2006-05-06T10:27:00.000Z

No, nothing to do with the Jodie Marsh Diet, "When I go in Macdonalds, I order the same thing every time, it is: large fries, 2 milks and 3 buns with just cheese in (no meat, no dressing). I get laughed at every time I make my order but I don't care. I enjoy my cheesey buns, their fries are vegetarian (ie. not cooked in animal fat) and it's quick and easy to eat. Either that or, Pizza and chips, or run to the local dirty kebab shop to get chips with cheese and burger sauce on." Plus, of course, booze, booze, and more booze.

So that's how she gets those thighs!
No, I'm referring to the latest publishing sensation in Italy. Though some of us might prefer Prince Henrik of Denmark's version of "Dog Food."

Don't Snigger

2006-05-06T10:20:00.000Z

There absolutely nothing funny about the election for the next Bishop of California, for which three of the candidates live with same sex partners, taking place on Nob Hill. Nothing funny about that at all is there?

Dicky Entrails, The Man Who Makes Or Breaks Careers

2006-05-05T12:14:00.000Z

"Charles Clarke might be worth a bet though, he'll be looking for a new job soon, I suspect." April 29th 2006, this very place.
Things may have been looking grim for Tessa Jowell, but in stepped Dicky, and she's still there.

May Day Holiday

2006-05-01T15:25:00.000Z

Which is supposed to be the day we celebrate organised Labour.

So when's the day we celebrate disorganised Labour? May 5th, I suppose. if you're standing in a council election, that is.

The Nanny State

2006-04-29T13:57:00.000Z

Normally a phrase which gets me as cross as, "it's Political Correctness gone mad!" (Invariably applied to a subject which has nothing whatsoever to do with "Political Correctness")
But how else to describe the leaflet produced by the NHS in Dundee telling you, "How to Do Your Number Twos?"
And no mention, surprisingly, of the œuvre of Ben Schott, either.
I'd say this should be more widely available. A Podcast (or, for the elderly a Senna Podcast) of Patricia Hewitt herself reading the instructions to ease the mind while easing the bowels.
I feel an email coming on...

Dicky Is Re-Colonising This Space

2006-04-29T13:25:00.000Z

In much the same way as this fascinating story, which I find, in an odd way one of the most encouraging stories I've ever read.
For all the fear of environmentalists, nature is so astonishingly resilient.
Mind you, if even John Prescott can manage to mate...

The Horror, The Horror

2006-04-29T11:59:00.000Z

No, it's not just thinking about John Prescott doing jiggy-jiggy.

Or even the competence of the FA trying to find a new head coach. (Charles Clarke might be worth a bet though, he'll be looking for a new job soon, I suspect.)

No, it's the thought of living here

Quiz Question: which band is represented by the picture above?

ANSWER

Dicky's Daily Ditty

2006-04-26T14:02:00.000Z

In view of my recent neglect of this blog it has to be 'Another Girl, Another Planet' by the Only Ones.
For the simple reason I've been spending some of the time I should have been devoting to you, Dear Reader, on Another Girl, especially the Jodie Marsh and Jamie Foxx Sex Shock (They didn't: that's the shock) or Another Planet. and if you want to know my first impressions of the inhabitants of the other world...

Apologies.

2006-04-26T13:40:00.000Z

I must apologise to my regular readers (though not to the irregular one: you know who you are) for the lacuna.
In my defence, may I say that there is rather less of Dickie than there was before the gap. Not a huge amount less, but nonetheless, there is a part of Dicky which is no longer a part of Dicky.

True Romance

2006-04-12T15:33:00.000Z

"Oh my God! Preston's engaged again."
"Sweet, innit?"
"Innit? They gonna get married?"
"Well, they're engaged."
"It'll be wicked if they get married."
"Yeah, wicked."
"Well wicked."
"Yeah, well wicked."
Etc. Ad infinitum.
Dicky had the misfortune to develop a serious Celebrity Big Brother habit earlier this year.
It involved some pretty awful experiences. George Galloway's erotc cat. George Galoway in general. Frequent glimpses views of parts of Pete Burns one would much rather not see. Even that affront to any reasonable person's sensibilities, Jodie Marsh! But nothing, I repeat nothing, caused me quite as much distress a slistening to the two lovebirds attempting to converse. Their linguistic skills would be a disgrace in ten year olds.
"Wicked, innit?"
"Wicked."
"Well wicked."
That's them in their more articulate moments. Now I can understand, to a certain extent, why Chantelle pretended to be even more stupid and ignorant than she actually is: she genuinely didn't know what a gynaecologist is, say, and pretended to think Dundee was in Wales so she can say, "I'm putting it on, playing the cute ditzy role because people think it's cute."Now I don't think ignorance is admirable: the only reason nowadays for lack of knowledge is laziness. But at least she has the excuse she is pretty thick, so pretending to be extremely thick isn't too much of a jump.
But for the prospective husband, who went to university (admittedly he didn't graduate, but he got in, which requires, even today, a glimmer of intellect.) A man who, it slipped out in the show, thinks of himself primarily as a lyricist, and has written an unpublished book, surely he could consruct a sentence?
The problem is, he wants to be famous. His careful study of popular culture had shown him what the audience for Big Brother want. They don't want cleverness, but they want a cute romance.
So he gave the audience what they wanted. I remember the look on his face when, having already looked devastated when he hadn't won, he saw his girlfriend's face and realised he'd destroyed the relationship. The act had turned into reality.
And today, splashed all over the tabloids, Preston and Chantelle announce their engagement. Purely by coincidence on the same day that her new TV show launches (her, for heavens sake, presiding over make up advice! The one who looks like a kid who's raided mom's make up bag wihtout permission.)
There may be those who think they are sweet. "I'm living the dream!" was the scripted line she was given to say on leaving the Big Brother house.
I don't call it living the dream: I'll leave the precise word to you, dear reader, but I'd call them both "someone who has sex for money."

That's The Way To Do It!

2006-04-12T14:30:00.000Z

Now, if you were paying attention earlier, you might have encountered someone who tried to impress by being an anarchist collective of Media Studies Students. Personally if I were trying to impress I'd go for something more demanding than "I can't be bothered with books, can I have a degree for watching Deal or No Deal?" BA, but that's just me.
But I can't but help having a sneaking admiration for the phoney in today's 'Times'. "Living the Dream?"

The New Lennon

2006-04-08T16:21:00.000Z

Some people are getting themselves into a tizzy over the fact that Pete Doherty is supposed to have claimed to be the new John Lennon. (Actually he didn't: an interviewer made the suggestion and he replied, "that sounds good" but let's not get caught up with facts.) And the irate response is, "how dare that junkie compare himself to John Lennon.
There is a teensy flaw in that argument. I was quite surprised to read this in a biography of Lennon: (so surprised that I memorised it) "for the last ten years of his life rarely a day passed without him using a drug, mostly heroin, usually several."
It's perhaps too much to say that the last decade of Lennon's life was wasted, but he certainly was for most of it.
I'm not a great believer in the e idea of role models. If someone makes me laugh or sings a song well they've done their job as far as I'm concerned, and how they spend the rest of their time is their business.
But I'll make something of an exception for the Beatles: they achieved a level of global fame unknown before and rarely if ever equaled since, and they chose that fame to actively promote the use of drugs.
I don't condemn anyone for using drugs personally, but I do find it weird that someone should be considered unfit to be compared to a man who used drugs copiously, advocated their use, and ended up addicted to heroin because, "they're a junkie!"

Barry Scott is Evil

2006-04-08T12:35:00.000Z

A lot of people, including one of my favourite bloggers, Lubin Odana think that it's fun. There's a remix of the ad theme, tee shirts, all sorts. But, no matter how subtle and clever the advertising is, it is still advertising. And this particular advertising campaign has included one truly disgusting gaffe.
From now on, when I want to refer to a cleaning product I'll adopt the form "one of the many other cleaning products which work just as well as the over-hyped Cillit Bang".

If You Could Be Anyone...

2006-04-07T11:01:00.000Z

One of the attractions of the internet is the anonymity: we all expect Bigdong Bloodaxe to be a weedy, bespectacled 14 year old. A simple act of wish fufilment akin to Master Derek recounting his sexual exploits with his harem of lovers, all of whom have identical prose styles.
Sometimes people change their ISP, and instead of reregistering everywhere as Gladys they become Penelope, and make a fresh start. Certainly if you're recounting using crack and heroin it's wiser not to give your real name and address.
If you're playing an RPG the whole point is to create a persona, be it Everquest or Second Life. But using a pseudonym always involves to some extent creating a persona. If someone discusses Dr Who signing themselves 'Adric' their cumulative posts create a sort of identity, and an expectation. If the person who was Adric changes their mind, and decides that the best Dr Who actor wasn't Peter Davison after all, but Colin Baker, Adric might become 'Mel'.
And, of course, there's banning. If 'KarlMarx' is banned from a forum, it's very easy for 'Groucho' to sign up a couple of days later and express similar views.
Who, for example, would wish to adopt the persona of a middle aged man with a dodgy spleen, questionable pancreas and the lower digestive tract from Hell, along with the libido of a giant panda and a love courgette which fully unfurls once a decade or so? Obviously a hip and trendy chap in his early thirties who shags his way through the babes of Notting Hill like a rabbit on Viagra. Obviously.
Now bearing in mind that one could claim to be absolutely anybody I recently encountered the most magnificently bathetic claim imaginable...
"I'm not really a single loony: I am (wait for it) a group of Media Studies students and I'll (Sorry we, there's lots of us really, honest) write an essay about you!" Scary! Dicky is all a-quiver. Honestly, if you're going to pretend to be anybody, why on earth Media Studies Students? It's like, "yeah, I've got a really glamorous job, it's er, roadsweeper.

How Many Anarchists...

2006-04-06T18:18:00.000Z

does it take to make an "anarchist collective"? More than one, I'd say. (To my devoted, if somewhat deranged, reader, can't you club together and get a bigger monitor? That little one's a dead giveaway it's you.)

"Skanky Ho"?

2006-04-01T11:32:00.000Z

Now Dicky's the first to admit he doesn't dangle with de yoot in his hood, or even in his trilby, and he most certainly couldn't tell one end of his nang from his butters. But the phrase, "skanky ho" which he has come across several times lately (usually, it must be said, in conjunction with Jodie Marsh [above]) has a certain charm.
It sounds rather nautical, and I imagine it being used something along the lines
of:
Captain: Can you see anything from up on the rigging, boy?
Sailor: Nothin' clear, sir.
First Mate: Cap'n, you'd best know, some of the men are beginnin' to whisper...
Captain: If I hear any whispers I'll clap 'em in irons.
Sailor: Skanky Ho! Skanky Ho!
Captain: Splice the mainbrace and twiggle the mainspliff, we've got a skanky ho astern!
First Mate. That'll keep the men happy tonight.
(CHEERS)

Please don't bother correcting me if I'm wrong. I'm perfectly happy with my meaning for the phrase.

Full Jodie Marsh updates are available on Jodie Marsh's Suitcase. (Writ Pending?)

Naomi Campbell's Phone

2006-03-31T18:07:00.000Z

Naomi Campbell claims that the four stitches her former housekeeper has in her scalp are on a "self-inflicted injury." While Dicky knows only too well that self-inflicted injury
can happen, but in this case he's more incline dtpo the flying mobile phone version of events. Didn't know Naomi was still using one of these, though. And heaven forbid Ashley Cole should!

So Now It's Solved...

2006-03-31T15:20:00.000Z

And I can go to 12 step meetings which I'd previously found implausibly religious, because there is a convincing "Higher Power" after all.

It's All My Own Fault

2006-03-30T18:23:00.000Z

Deciding to rewatch the every superlative you can think of 'Planet Earth' while I was heating up me tea lead me to encounter a man discussing taping up the gusset of his protective suit so he could stand waistdeep in a huge pile of coackroach covered bat guano.
What, thought Dickie to himself would be the equivalent of that. Well for someone cursed with moral scruples it'd be about as pleasnt as sitting in Cabinet.

In the interest of political balance, I've discovered an alternative meaning for "Bonkers"
Up to now I'd always thought bonkers was the collective noun for Tory MPS

A War For A Photo-Opportunity

2006-03-30T14:29:00.000Z

I'm delighted to see that a weblog, the magnificent Riverbend has been nominated for a major literary award.
It's one thing to read the appalling military and civilian casualty figures, but reading 'Riverbend' shows how civil society in Iraq has been destroyed.
The pundits may waffle on about how "there is a price, but it's worth it to bring freedom and democracy..." (Though there seem to be far fewer of them nowadays) But the reality is that women in Iraq cannot go out of the house safely. That doesn't sound much like freedom to me.

Remember Saddam's statue being toppled? And I'm sure the G.I. who put the Stars and Stripes there got told off. Because it was all about Iraqi freedom, wasn't it? I'm sure that, when plans were being laid for the war this moment...

the toppling of the statue was the climax of the plans. It was going to be the fall of communism all over again, the symbols of the hated regime destroyed by cheering, newly-free masses. Except, of course, in eastern Europe there weren't foreign tanks blockading the area around the photo-opportunity:

That was the limit of post-war planning in the White House, wasn't it? Utterly destroy Iraq's infrastructure with bombs and missiles, disband the surviving army and police, but hey, it's OK because we'll tear down a statue on TV and show that we're the good guys. All the Iraqis will love us, except maybe a few terrorists. After all, Saddam's gone, so no-one's gonna mind having their friends and relatives killed, their homes and jobs blown to smithereens. That's just the price you have to pay for freedom.

Is It All Worth It?

2006-03-30T11:36:00.000Z

There are times when Dicky loks at his click counter, and thinks, "Is It All Worth It?" Then he looks at the blogs of the likes of Paul Daniels (Yes that's the real Paul Daniels, and no you won't like it: not a lot, not at all.) Still it's better than ending up on Mydeathspace.

Let's Lick Litter

2006-03-29T16:57:00.000Z

A paltry three weeks after Dickie approached the Mayor's office with his 'Let's Lick Litter' campaign, Red Ken bursts into action, "We will keep your details on file and should we require your assistance we will be in touch. Good luck with the project."

So if you come across a lycra clad man involved in "Happenings in Parks" you have been warned...

"I Love Taking Drugs"

2006-03-28T17:57:00.000Z

Well really. I'd never have guessed, thought he was so clean-living. I haven't been so shocked since I found out Kate Moss took drugs.
Anyway, it's time for my medication...

Public Information Announcement

2006-03-28T14:25:00.000Z

Dicky Entrails is a lifelong admirer of Public Information films, you remember them, the ones which helpfully told you that it's not wise to put bits of wire into plug sockets and switch on, or place lit cigarettes down the back of the sofa before going to bed. Indeed it's near thing that you're in the World of Dickie Entrails at all: it could have very easily been The World Of Reginal Molehusband.
The votes have been cast, and the winners selected. My personal faves have to be "Don't go near the water..." which traumatised a generation, and the only a teensy weensy bit patronising, "Jobs for Girls."
Lots more here.
Oh yes, in the same spirit, "there may be better things to do with £1,500 than buy Jodie Marsh's Suitcase."

The Prince And The Showgirl

2006-03-28T14:10:00.000Z

Gosh, golly and cor! Let's even throw caution to the wind and add a "crikey!" Rumours have reached Dickie's ears of a liason between Hollywood diva Barbra Streisand and everyone's favourite organic farmer, travel writer and politically dissident heir to the Throne, Prince Charles.
Just imagine, all the bowing, curtseys, correct forms of address - or do you suppose she made an exception for him?

Dickie's Daily Ditty

2006-03-28T12:10:00.000Z

Now it's very tempting to tie in with our Dish of The day and pick Andrea True Connection's "Marr, Marr Marr" but instead I'll give the nod to the self-titled (eponymous if you're feeling posh) Candi Staton. An album of superb Southern soul from the early 70s, som eof the finest material, among intense competition, to have been regarded at Muscle Shoals.

Dickie's Dish of the Day

2006-03-28T11:44:00.000Z

Well, it's finally time for us to give the ladies (and, as we always point out, any gentlemen whose inclinations run that way too) a little frisson of pleasure with a sighting of a special mna who'll get those juices flowing. Today's dish gave a guest appearence on Dr Who which, fans of the show say, was one of the most memorable since Martin Clunes' heavily kohl'd new romantic turn in 'Snakedance'

Yes, of course, today's choice as:
Dickie's Dish of the Day
is the Johnny Depp of political correspondants, Andrew Marr.

As he's a Dundonian it should be a piece of cake to find a culinary metaphor, and he's certainly sweet enough, but bearing in mind that he gives many of us a little pleasure during our Sunday AM lie ins, and that we often 'Start the Week' with him, we'll have to say that our preferred dish is "Andrew Marr: the Full Monty".
Please remember, other dishes are available, simply scroll down for links.

Apologies To The Ladies

2006-03-28T11:38:00.000Z

Who've been kept waiting for the little quiver of pleasure that comes with the unveiling of "Dickie's Dish Of The Day" but yesterday's contribution was shelved due to problems with a wisdom tooth which is proving almost as dificult to shift as Jodie Marsh's Suitcase
One of them will not be around by 3pm on Saturday. I think you can guess which.

Reheated Dishes

2006-03-26T14:35:00.000Z

If your palate (or any other relevant anatomical bits) isn't tickled by today's Dish of the Day, you could just grab one of our previous selections, Lib Dem "Mr Asteroid" Lembit Opik, Matthew "Swings It Both Ways" Hoggard, Julian "Love Puppy" Worricker. You can even have your Michael Gove traditional, punk-style, or even, if your tastes incline towards the spicy and exotic, semi-dressed.
Whatever your tastes you should find something to get you going there, just whack in the microwave for a couple of minutes, and Voila: a reconstituted Dish of The Day.

Mother's Day

2006-03-26T13:28:00.000Z

Old Mother Entrails is pleased with her gift, a Venus Fly Trap. Her eyes aren't what they were, so she can't spend hours pulling the wings off flies like she used to. She used to sit there happily for hours...

Who's That Donor?

2006-03-26T12:45:00.000Z

Notice how quiet the Conservatives have been during the fuss about all those "loans" the Labour Party has been recieving from businessmen lately? I'd rather assumed it was something along the lines of "people with glass offshore accounts etc."
According to today's 'Sunday Times' the Tories have pocketed £100,000 for dinner at a fundraising ball from the wife of arms dealer Wafic Said.
"Over the past two years the Saids are understood to have given at least £550,000 to the Tories at auctions but none of it has been declared publicly."

Wafic Said was closely involved in the enormous Al-Yamamah arms deal in the 1980s, widely held to be the source of Mark thatcher's personal wealth.
British investigative journalists have uncovered evidence that Said may have been involved in distributing Saudi payoffs in one form or another to participants on the British side of the Al-Yamamah deal. In 1994, British reporters ran a land registry search on the posh Eaton Terrace residence in which Mark Thatcher (below) had been living and found that it was owned by a Panamanian company, Formigol, which was registered at the 5th floor of 49 Park Lane - Said's office. In 1998, it was reported that the luxurious Mayfair penthouse of Sir Richard Evans, chief executive of British Aerospace, was registered in the name of a Panamanian company called Knightsbridge Enterprises, which happened to be run from Said's offices at 49 Park Lane. Sir Charles Powell, a long-time foreign policy advisor of Thatcher who was present during the negotiations for this deal, was later hired as chairman of Sagitta Asset Management Limited, of which Said is the primary shareholder.
It was, of course, Wafic Said who was staying in the Paris Ritz at the same time, and dining with Jonathan Aitken during the infamous episode when "Sword of Truth" Aitken sued the 'Guardian' and ended up doing time for perjury. Like the editor of the 'Guardian' at that time, Peter Preston, I've always wondered just what it was which Aitken was so desperate to cover up he was prepared to invent such absurd stories? I don't suppose Wafic Said will be any hurry to tell.

PS In the same paper Rod Liddle finally comes up the what Dicky Entrails has said all along is the answer to the cash for peerages questions which have plagued all administrations. Bring it all out into the open and auction them.
Though that might mean eboni001 aka amanda12340_2 in the Lords. (Scroll down a bit if you don't get it.)

Where to Put Jodie Marsh's Suitcase?

2006-03-26T09:17:00.000Z

(You, at the back. You're not the first one to have come up with that answer.)
Now, let us assume that you have come into possesion of said item. We won't wory about how, you just own a suitcase used by Jodie Marsh and valued at £1,500. What would YOU do with it?
A: Make sure it's properly insured and put it in safe storage - it's valuable, you know!
B: Find a suitable spot in your pad to display it to best effect.
C: Clean off the scribbles and put your woolies in it next time you go for a weekend in Scunthorpe, no-one will know whose it was.
D: Try to flog it for £1,500 on eBay. There's one born every minute.

If your answer is D, your surname is Marsh, and why are you reading this?

The correct answer is on Jodie Marsh's Suitcase

Return of the Ebay Favourites

2006-03-26T09:06:00.000Z

On the very same day as Jodie Marsh's Suitkase returns to eBay the other old fave Eboni001 (aka Amanda12340_2) and her regular trading partner, joanna5512: they of the identical Terms of Sale, even down to "piece of mind" are back. Eboni is back in the secondhand pregnacy test business, and, surprise, surprise, her old mucker, joanna5512 is bidding over the odds for them. Joining in the bidding frenzy is another 0 feedback bidder, sandylodge233. Another "pal"?

Entrails Unwinding In The Evening

2006-03-25T14:57:00.000Z

"How," my dear readers ask themselves, "does Dicky Entrails amuse himself in the evenings?" (Apart, obviously, from those moments when he's engaged in rather dubious speculation involving a partially-clad Michael Gove MP. Well, a viewing of the classic film, The Abominable Dr Phibes should set you on the right track.
First, slip on a fetching, shiny black number such as: (Left!)

Then give the organ a go with some gusto and glide into a dance routine with the lovely Vulnavia to the strains of music provided by my orchestra of life-size clockwork automata. Who, by the way, is the beautiful, silent violin-playing accomplice? Phibes' daughter? His greatest automata? Some kind of malevolent evil spirit? Who knows. Expecting a coherent explanation from this film is like expecting a Government Minister to say, "Oh yes, the loan, Of course I knew about it. Mr Patel said that he wanted a peerage..."
Anyway, back to plot - sorry that's not quite the right word - back to the plot hole of the Abominable Dr Phibes. Actually can we settle for the plot being crochet: a lot of holes held together by twisted wool? Any way, after we've got formalities over with, and maybe a glass of champagne ingested via the back of the neck, (This does make sense if you've seen the film. As much as the film does.) then it's time for the creepy chat with the spookily preserved momentoes of the dead loved one.
And then, finally, it's time to settle down to the main course. A spot of psychopathic serial killing in highly elaborate, inordinately grisly and hugely enjoyable ways.
Death by dozy fruit bat on a wire. Death by Bee. Death by contracting frog mask at fancy dress ball. Death by having too many cuddly rodents in pilot's cabin of a light aircraft. Death consequent to vigourously hand-cranking a home projector while watching a movie of a lady dancing with a snake. And all to medical men.
Crow: Anyway, medical men die every day.
Inspector Trout: I'm aware of that sir.
Crow: Good. They're composed of the same flesh and blood as you and I.
Inspector Trout: I'm aware of that too sir. I happen to have seen rather a lot of their flesh and blood in the past few days.
Inspector Whateverfreshwaterfishyoulike is hot on Phibes' (That's Phibes, not Phib-es) trail, but not quick enough to prevent:
"A brass unicorn has been catapulted across a London street and impaled an eminent surgeon. Words fail me, gentlemen."
Oh, and all in truly scrumptious sets by 'Avengers' director Ronert Fuest which delightfully combine Art Deco and then contemporary Art Trippeau in a cocktail of colours which would turn Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen a touch of jade. The film looks - and is - madder than Micheal Jackson, though rather safer around pre-teen boys.
It's not quite the finale, grand though that is, with the sets being gratuitously trashed, but my personal favourite is death by highly concentrated syrup of Brussel Sprouts (selected with loving care by Vincent Price) and locust, leading to a sight worse than those which I sometimes awoke to in my drinking days:

An evening with 'The Abominable Dr Phibes is a Dicky Entrails dream. In fact, sharing it all with you has pointed me in the direction of "Dr Phibes Rises Again". If only Dicky were able to look those last two words without a wistful glance towards his nether regions...

It's Back!

2006-03-25T10:25:00.000Z

Now available on eBay for a paltry £1,500

Follow the fiasco on Jodie Marsh's Suitcase

Entrails On The Box

2006-03-24T18:31:00.000Z

Dciky's in need of a little uplifting tonight, so He's going to whip out his copy of one of his all time favourite films, 'The Abominable Dr Phibes'. A touching tale, and it's lovely to have a central character you can really identify with...

More Jodie Marsh

2006-03-24T17:16:00.000Z

The Marsh Monster: you can loathe her, or... There isn't really any other option, is there?
But, here at the World of Dickie Entrails we believe you should have the option of whether to gasp at her awfulness. So there are now two shiny new links on the siderbar, can you see them? Good.
Now we have noticed the odd person is concerned with the saga of Jodie Marsh selling her suitcase on eBay. There's a link over there, saying: "Jodie Marsh's Suitcase:THE SAGA." Can
you guess where clicking on that one will lead? You can try it now if you like. (Guess who listened to his "How to Use WIndows Tutorial") Now next to it is another link called: Jodie Marsh's Suitcase:THE SITE. Can you guess where that leads to? That's right. There's so much to say about Jodie Marsh, that there's now a whole branch of The World of Dickie Entrails, called: Jodie Marsh's Suitcase:THE SITE. which has lots MORE about Jodie Marsh. If you'd like to go there, click on one of the links now.
Dickie Entrails: "he's dickylickin' good!" Can I say that? It's just that KFC used to have, "It's fingerlickin' good." More or less the same, isn't it?

Slip of The Tongue...

2006-03-24T15:14:00.000Z

Or has Big Ron Atkinson got a job in America

Mini Skirt, Mega Model

2006-03-24T13:01:00.000Z

This was on offer on eBay UK. Dickie's "love courgette" (see below) has, unsurprisingly gone into hiding. Actually I think these images might even dent the libido of Aston "Family Man" Barratt. The former bassist with Bob Marley & the Wailers has, in case anyone has missed the story, a large family to support, which is why he's suing for a larger share of royalties. 52 children to be precise. It's Mrs Barratt I feel sorry for...

Lest I Forget...

2006-03-23T19:56:00.000Z

Jodie Marsh isn't the only former Celebrity Big Brother contestant making themself ridiculous, try this by Pete Burns.

Dicky's Daily Ditty

2006-03-23T17:16:00.000Z

We haven't had one for a while, so I'll slip you an extra one today, missus. Certain things I've encountered have reminded me of Johnny Otis' classic "Willie And The Hand Jive" but just in case I've made a misjudgement on the legal implications of slagging off Jodie Marsh I'll have a listen to "Good Morning Judge" by Wynonie Harris too

Wanker of the Week

2006-03-23T16:38:00.000Z

Let us not be judgemental about this. In his youth Dickie Entrails himself was not a complete stranger to the peasures of the palm, but the years have taken their toll, and nowadays even the sight of self-confessed punk Tory MP Micheal Gove, dressed only in a ripped Sex Pistols tee shirt pogoing slowly and sensuously to the strains of "Oh Bondage, Up Yours" by X Ray Spex would scarcely be enough to fully unfurl Dickie's love courgette, let alone call for a Kleenex.
Recently though, Dicky has come across a brace of disciples of Onan worthy of note. There's the chap (somehow I feel it must be a chap) who until recently ran a page on Myspace pretending to be Jodie Marsh. If he got his kicks from a spot of solitary sexuality while reading emails from 13 year old boys along the lines of, "Jodie U R fit, I'd like to... etc" well good luck to him, I say. Shows initiative. There's probably a career in politics ahead of him. Well, maybe not politics, maybe the Lib Dems. Speaking of Lib Dems, one them was asking about Ms Marsh recently, in the House of Commons
My other inveterate self-pleasurer has to be dangerman. Not Patrick MCGoohan in his pre-Prisoner role, but some person who uses the name to spend their time making irritating, prissy comments on discussion forums, accusing those of us who slag off "celebs" of being obsessive when they're not running this site for Kleenex bulk-buyers . Clearly it's not just too much time he's got on his hands.
PS: It has just been suggested that they could be the same person! No, if he did it that much it'd have dropped off by now, surely?

Litigation Society?

2006-03-22T13:37:00.000Z

From today's 'Times': "Flatulent Chair at Bottom of Teacher's £1M Damages Claim."
Same paper: Chat Room Insults Lead To Internet Libel Victory which leads to, "Verdict casts dark cloud over freedom of speech"
All this and Jodie Marsh is suing Myspace too!
Dicky Entrails will be watching the postman for writs.

Bungling Fraudster

2006-03-21T21:15:00.000Z

(Don't know what made me think of that subject, but...)
This story is true. Really true, it happened to a relative. It's not an urban myth. When my relative decided to divorce her husband it occurred to him that this would involve opening up the books of his business, a small garage and car repair workshop. He then hit on the Baldrick-style ruse to make up the inevitable shortfall, and called the police to announce there had been a hold up when he was alone with a week's takings.
Unfortunately he hadn't done his rehearsal quite right, and when the police played back the security video they didn't see any robbers, but they did see a reflection of him, hitting himself around the face with a metal pole to produce bruises.
He got a year: six months, I like to say, for attempted fraud, and six months for criminal stupidity.

He Still Hasn't Figured It Out!

2006-03-21T20:39:00.000Z

"I don't know why or how, but someone has been maliciously posting my blog with adult content. " This guy is too dumb to be real, isn't he?

Calling Brooklyn

2006-03-21T19:46:00.000Z

Excuse my curiousity chaps, but I'm fascinated as to why the Jodie Marsh suitcase saga is getting so many hits from Brooklyn? I'm delighted to have you popping in, come again, any time, but why the interest from New York in the orange-hued tramp? Do you know who she is? Is an explanation wanted?

Jodie Marsh's Suitcase

2006-03-21T13:53:00.000Z

Just a reminder: it may have been removed from other sites, but the story of the fiasco is still available here. Just scroll down a little or click here for the truth behind the attempt to sell Jodie Marsh's suitcase on eBay.
I've just done a little poking around on eBay, and the IDs which could have been "shill bidders" as opposed to just made up to wind up the buyer do seem to be gradually disappearing... If you've been following very closely, it's kasie, the top bidder, and bobbiejonsie who've gone NARU>

The Curse of Dickie Entrails

2006-03-19T08:36:00.000Z

Alistair Cook gets his runs off the field and as for Dickie's Dish, well, nice golden Hoggy a l'orange anyone?

Dickie's Dish of the Day

2006-03-17T19:15:00.000Z

Now, we here at the World of Dickie Entrails don't just sneer and carp, fun though that is. We also like to celebrate the positive, and especially in our choice of 'Dickie's Dish of the Day'.
New readers may not have noticed, but every week we chalenge conventional wisdom by having, instead of page 3, a Dish for the ladies (and any chaps whose tastes lead them to savour our choice of Dish) who has something very special. It's not just about looks, we require something more, which is why this time we're going for Yorkshire and England fast medium bowler, Matthew Hoggard!
We require brains as well as brawn, and Matthew actually writes his Times columns himself! Plus, in addition to being very penetrative with the new ball when conditons suit, he can be relied upon to keep his length and line up for long spells! (Dicky's green with envy on that one.) Plus he swings it both ways (a huge plus in Dicky's eyes) and can be relied to keep his end up for a lengthy stint with the wand in his hands.
Known as "Hoggy" in the dressing room (aren't cricketers imaginative with their nicknames?) could lead us to endless porcine puns, but we're sticking with having him served whole, honey roasted, on a platter with yorkshire pudding, and a pint of real ale on the side. And don't forget that red sphere in his gob to set the look off.
Now, let's make the interweb thingy work: Hoggy will be having an extra tough workload in Mombai with Steve Harmison crocked, so let's make sure that the good news of his selection get through to him. Imagine how chuffed he'd be to see this column printed out and stuck up on the dressing room wall!
Dicky Entrails: with the England cricket team throughout their tour of India.

Classic Dishes Still Available.

Don't forget, if you want a second helping of Punk at Heart Tory Micheal Gove MP, the thinking woman's love puppy, Julian Worricker or asteroid-aware Lib Dem Lembit Opik they can be yours at the click of a mouse. Enjoy!

Dicky's Daily Ditty

2006-03-17T19:07:00.000Z

Today Dicky has been grooving round the lounge to the sound of 'Get Out My Life Woman', one of those marvellous collaborations between Lee Dorsey (right) and writer/producer Allen Toussaint. Sensuous New Orleans R'n'B at its very best.

SuitKase Closed.

2006-03-17T10:06:00.000Z

Continuing the saga of "Would you Buy a used Suitcase..."
From Jodie Marsh's Blog, posted well after the auction for her suitcase closed on eBay:
P.P.S The suitcase is doing well on ebay. Or so my friend who's auctioning it tells me anyway. I think tonight was the last night for bids. I'm not sure who got it but my mate said it might be a guy who is willing to pay an extra grand for me to deliver it to him. Turns out the guy lives right near some friends of mine, so I can pay them a visit at the same time, if I do decide to go. Don't you just love it when things turn out good?!
So she hadn't looked at eBay and noticed that the final day had been a farce, numerous bids by new accounts with no feedback, some of which were newly created with pointed names, such as "Marshy 012" or "Spaniels Ears" (which, in case you don't know is how her breasts have been described) the name of an ex of hers and one too tasteless to repeat. Mid afternoon some of the blantantly false bids were cancelled, leaving the top bidder:
"sharni07 ( 237Feedback score is 100 to 499) Cancelled: £6,627.57
Explanation:bidders request Bid:16-Mar-06 14:51:52 GMT
Cancelled: 16-Mar-06 19:28:09 GMT"
Producing this priceless exchange:
Q: Hi, please can you cancel my bid? I was outbid this afternoon so placed a bid on another auction and won. I have just been informed you cancelled the bids that came after me! I thought once I was outbid that was that! I no longer have funds to buy this item I am afraid. I have now just paid for the other item I won, if I still had the money I would'nt mind, I just don't have the money anymore, I paid via credit card. Sorry hun. Thanks very much, hope you still get a good price for it. Regards Sharni07
16-Mar-06
A: Hi - the bids cancelled were bogus ones, people just trying to wreck the auction. Shame. This is in a good cause, but some sad people have nothing better to do than try to spoil things for others. They really need to get a life! Don't those auction wreckers realise they could be pursued through the courts if their bid ends up on top? Anyway thanks for getting in touch, I will cancel your bid as requested.
(EBay records show that Sharni's only other purchase that month was a Barry Manilow video, price 60p!)
With around ten minutes to go all bids were cancelled by buyer, citing: Explanation:no contact from bidder as requested
Now a little analysis of Ms Marsh's statement.
Her memory had slipped rather. Two days earlier she had no difficulty remembering exactly when the auction was ending and plugging it in her blog. Now she's very vague, I think tonight was the last night for bids. I'm not sure who got it. Equally she's rather vague on the law of contract, the guy's prepared to take up her offer to deliver for a grand, which she'll do, if I do decide to go
If they knew a guy who is willing to pay an extra grand for me to deliver it to him. Turns out the guy lives right near some friends of mine there must have been some contact, mustn't there? So, the questions I have for Ms Marsh are: 1, "was there a bona fide bidder among the jokers, and did you cancel the auction to sell off eBay and avoid paying their fees, or is this made up to avoid the embarassment of having no genuine bidders?"
2,Most of the bids on the final day were undoubtedly fake, but were some of the fake bids placed earlier See Part 1 "shill bids" designed to artificially inflate the price?
And what does the whole episode tell us about Ms Marsh's attitude to her fans. Although there was a donation made to charity by Channel 4 for Celebrity Big Brother she was doing a paid work on the show, and was given the suitcase free: she's selling it to raise money for her brother to make a record, not for a "good cause". To me these look like the actions of a woman who regards her fans with contempt and merely as the source of a quick buck.
An alternative view of the fiasco.
PS The chance to buy a bag o'tat, Jodie Marsh style has gone, descending into another farce, but don't despair, you could still, if you've got 50p to spare get some Marsh memorabilia.
Or, if you're very brave, try a peek into the mind of a Jodie Marsh fan Think very, very carefully before clicking that link. She bid for the case. £6,627.57.

Yet More SuitCase Fun And Frolics

Suitcase Farce, Act V

2006-03-16T12:14:00.000Z

Another bidder, new account, joined today, no feedback, from Essex, now over £4,000 of monopoly money bid. Follow the action as it happens, with caustic commentary, on Digial Spy.

STOP PRESS Currently a bidding frenzy between "Marshy 012" and "Spaniels Ears" pushing the price over £7,500. BUT an anomoly. There has been a bidder who normally buys Barry Manilow CDs and Argos discount vouchers chipped in with an offer of £6,627.57 (intriguingly precise?). But they've got feedback: it's a real eBay account, not a fake set up for this auction. (Shakes head). Marshy and spaniels ears are blocked, "not considered serious bidders". Like the others are!

Dicky's Daily Ditty

2006-03-16T11:46:00.000Z

For reasons few can fathom, Dicky has decided to give "No More Doggin'" by Rosco Gordon a spin today.

A Tory Punk!

2006-03-16T11:34:00.000Z

I must have been absurdly preoccupied by suitcase forensics yesterday to miss out on Tory MP Micheal Gove (Formerly Dickie's Dish of the Day) declaring in the Times that he's a punk at heart
I should have guessed though: it's the pinstripe bondage trousers that are the giveaway.
No doubt his favourite tune is the Clash, "I Fought The Law, The Law Quite Properly Won, And I Was Given A Very Long Custodial Sentence".

Would You Buy A Used Suitcase From Her?

2006-03-15T14:44:00.000Z

As eBay have removed the discussion of the Jodie Marsh suitcase sale I linked to below, I'll recap the saga as briefly as possible. The suitcase, along with scrawled obscenities by Ms Marsh which she assumes adds to its value, were placed on eBay by a mr.mxyzptlk99, who buys musical instrument parts made from buffalo bits which are imported from Taiwan. This listing lasted for a few days with no bids, before it was withdrawn because it didn't comply with eBay rules by linking to an external site, Ms Marsh's blog.
The moment the case was relisted bidding began, with two potential buyers bidding, amanda12340_2 and kasie9775. kasie (note that name casie wiv a K) had only just opened their account, but they had had time to start bidding on items offered for sale by amanda12340_2. Experienced eBayers thought that there was a whiff of rodent, and it did seem that amanda12340_2 (formerly amanda12340) was slightly dodgy. She cunningly attempted to throw investigators off the scent with a change of user name to eboni001, but to no avail, and the account is now Not A Registered User (NARU: eBayese for kaput.) leaving kasie9775 the only bidder on the case.
But up pops bobbyjonsie who has had an account for some time, but never bought anything, only slagged off people whose goods she bid for but never paid for.

Now Mr Buffalobits (right)had got very cross when people had initially suggested the possibility of "shill bidding" but he didn't seem to mind having those two bidding on the item.
Now comes the complicated bit. The evening of 14/3/06. bobbyjonsie had bid up to £2,000 at 20:16:15 GMT, but the actual figure required to win the item was £1,500, just more than kasie9775 was prepared to pay. This is where the bidding stood when Jodie published her blog between 20:00 and 20:14, saying "the auction's going very well, up to £1,500 already."
At 20:05:34 digidesignart, a rarely used eBay account registered in Essex entered the discussion on the bidding, saying that it was nasty and vindictive. Could this have been somone involved?
At 20:06:49 rebecca9659, a new ebay account, opened only that day, made their first, and to date only eBay bid: £2,000 for the bag.
By 20:16:15 GMT bobbyjonsie was bidding £2,000 too.
At this point something seems to have gone wrong. At 20:32:32 GMT rebecca9659 withdrew her bid, less than half an hour after placing it because she'd "entered the wrong amount"?
20:46:56 GMT bobbyjonsie withdraws bid placed 30 minutes earlier because they,"cannot contact seller". Asking price now drops to £1,000 as all higher bids withdrawn. Whoops!
20:47:35 GMT 39 seconds after withdrawing bid, bobbyjonsie resumes bidding, but only up to £1,500. Now there may be some explanation for all these shenanigans which doesn't involve "shill bidding" to artificially inflate the price of the item, but I can't think of it. Anyone able to enlighten me?

If you've bothered to read all that you deserve a laugh

There's More: Read The Shocking Conclusion

As The Kase is STILL for sale there's now a new site devoted specially to it and its adventures

Watch Out For Dave, Mr Brock

2006-03-14T13:38:00.000Z

Is David "Dave" Cameron a closet supporter of badger-baiting?
Dicky wrote to Dave Cameron:
Dear sir, with the rise of bovine TB it is becoming clear that badgersare a menace to livestock, and must, sadly, be culled. This presents the Conservative party with an opportunity to be radical, pro-choice and firmly in touch with the instincts of its core supporters. If badger-baiting were to be reintroduced (in, I stress a controlled and humane way) the a traditional country persuit could be reinvigorated, badgers controlled efficiently by people who enjoy their work, and a blow struck for personal choice at the same time. A winner all round!
Dicky.

Reply:
Thank you for your email. We do take on board what you say in regard to the reintroduction of badger baiting and thank you again for writing.

Yours sincerely,

David Beal
Correspondence Secretary
David Cameron's Office

Dicky's Daily Ditty

2006-03-13T20:00:00.000Z

Having been following the increasingly odd saga of Jodie Marsh's case, along with the pregnancy tests, soiled wedding dresses and now a sudden name change on bothe ebay forums and on digital spy I've been playing 'Chain of Fools' by Aretha Franklin. And if you follow those links... The name change is particularly interesting.

More Old Bag News

2006-03-12T11:38:00.000Z

The saga of the suitcase, including the bits of dead buffalo imported from Taiwan, is summarised here. This is, remember, the Jodie Marsh who supports the actions of animal rights activists, "however extreme" Meanwhile the bidding for the suitcase is arousing concern about "shill bidding"
Dicky will be keeping an eye on this one.
STOP PRESS
Ooh this is fun. Some rum goings on down in Brighton. I don't want to risk libel, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if somebody's been trying a scam on eBay, see links above.
Secondhand, soiled wedding dresses, wedding dresses from size 8 to 20 bidding frenzy on pregnancy tests, those links have it all.

Tessa 'Fesses Up

2006-03-12T09:30:00.000Z

Yes, yes, that's where David got his money from, so it'll be all right to stay in Cabinet, just so long as I don't discuss Iran, won't it?

Will Dicky Break The Final Taboo?

2006-03-11T17:45:00.000Z

No, not that one. Honestly, have you ever seen Old Mother Entrails?
I mean:
COULD DICKY VOTE TORY?

We'll have no trouble here, we're a local party for local people. We want no foreigners with their funny ways, or asylum seekers - bogus, I'll warrant - or Brussels bureaucrats with their regulations. We're a local party for local people.
And that's before you get them on gays, or single mothers...
But we have a Government which is fundamentally dishonest, complacent and increasingly corrupt.
So Dciky really has been dabbling with the dark side, even participating in discussions on an intelligent Tory site on topics such as "have the centre left won?" (they have on one vital area, of which more later) and "what makes a good right wing play/film."
Now in America it would be quite easy to imagine a hip artist, someone like Quentin Tarantino, saying, "I'm a Republican, I agree with them on this, and this and this..." Unthinkable for the equivalent in the UK.
In the discussion on the arts there was a sizeable lobby wanting "wholesome traditional, films supporting family values." I started thinking, Disney? The Waltons?
Terry and June? Surely not this sort of wholesome fun? One way in which the centre left has won is an increase in everyday social liberalism. Never mind what people tell opinion polls, they have gays, single mothers, other races, spliff-smokers among their family and friends, and they and don't condemn them.
One thing I was taught to be proud of about Britain when I was at school was the tradition of individual liberty, Magna Carta, habeas corpus and all that. Why not try to conserve that?
Instead some Tories want to take us back to some supposed 'Golden Age' of the family.
History hasn't got a reverse gear: we can no more revert to the social moresof the 1950s than uninvent the mobile phone. The Conservative Party needs to embrace diversity in practice. Not just have a couple of nice men called Patel say exactly the same thing as all the white men in suits, but to actually want the gays and the single mothers they had previously rejected. In the case of gays with section 28 deliberately offended. Back in the 80s being gay-friendly was loony leftand section 28 was a populist measure. Now civil partenerships were introduced with barely a murmur of opposition. That's one the centre left did win.
If the Conservatives are to be an important 21st century party they need to prove that they have exorcized the spirit of Mary Whitehouse and section 28, and I'd like to see Dave Cameron prove that he's not in thrall to the bags in hats at the conference, "lock 'em all up forever: and longer!"
The Militant tendency he needs to confront are the Ann Widdicombes and the Norman Tebbits, so that the Conservatives can honestly say, "We believe in letting people live their lives how they want."
And Terry and June won't be compulsorary, honest. You can even watch films with kissing with mouths open if you're over 21!"

NHS Debt Could Be £800M

2006-03-11T17:31:00.000Z

But never fear. The answer's at hand. Patrica Hewitt is advertising for a speechwriter, at up to £56,000pa, according to today's 'Times'. That'll solve everything.
Question 1: In less than 1,000 words complete the following -
Patricia Hewitt's time at the Department of Health has been a rip-roaring success because...
Dicky Entrails has applied for the post.
Well, the Friends of Tessa Jowell worked, didn't it?

Dicky's Daily Ditty

2006-03-11T15:02:00.000Z

A worrying symptom.

Today Dicky Entrails has been hucklebucking along to "Got My Mojo Workin'" by Muddy Waters
"Got My Mojo Workin'" and "Muddy Waters": guess which one of those phrases applies to Dicky and which, sadly, does not.

If There's One Thing They Prove

2006-03-10T20:51:00.000Z

It's not to trust God on foreign policy. Not coveting thy neighbour's ass, fine, Iraq, not exactly divine wisdom, was it?

Dickie's Dish of the Day

2006-03-10T19:48:00.000Z

For those who've missed out so far, red hot Notting Hill Setter Michael Gove is still here.

Dicky's Daily Ditty

2006-03-10T19:01:00.000Z

Dickie has been "Doing The Whoo Pee" down in the basement, I thought about putting on the soulful dress, but I didn't wanna fuss, do I make myself clear? In the company, of course of the delightful, Umpeylia Marsema Balinton, better known of course as, Sugar Pie DeSanto Go Go Power indeed.

Dare Dicky Break The Ultimate Tabboo?

2006-03-10T17:58:00.000Z

Of which more tomorrow...

No Brainer For A No Brainer

2006-03-10T15:32:00.000Z

CELEBRITY Big Brother winner Chantelle Houghton was branded a “self-centred thick blonde bimbo” in 'The Sun'. Who said investigative journalism was dead? “Obsessed with her looks and cannot live without make-up”, “the potential to be a complete bitch” are quted from an internal document by production company, Endermol.
*She has bagged at least £500,000 since being put into the House as a fake celebrity.
Meanwhile synthetically-hued former house mate Jodie Marsh isn't bovvered that Chantelle hasn't contacted her. She's so not bovvered that she writes 1,200 words about how not bovvered she is, and, I wish her luck, I really do. You need a brain, talent, personality and you need to be interesting to survive in this industry. I don't know how long she'll be around. Personally I'd rather watch the real Paris Hilton than her and I won't watch anything she does, but that's me... It's a shame that she turned out to be as cold and selfish as the rest of them
Chantelle has bagged at least £500,000 since being put into the House as a fake celebrity.
It's possible that Chantelle has been advised that associating with Ms Marsh would be bad for her image. A charity called Beatbullying had Ms Marsh as it's "ambassador" before her appearence on Celebrity Big Brother, and received a substantial amount of money from the show by being one of her nominated charities. It has also received a number of complaints about her conduct and been forced to issue a statement dissociating itself from her weblog. Despite the donation there is now no mention of her on the Beatbullying website.
Meanwhile Chantelle continues to rake it in, despite, in Jodie's eyes " Chantelle has lost an army of fans for stating that she won't be friends with me (believe it or not all you nasty people that read this - I do actually have a very large fan base)
Chantelle has no talent to market: she's not a singer or an actress, so image is even more important to her than most "celebrities". Her image is her career. It's a no-brainer even for a no-brainer.

Especially one who really, really wants to be famous. Even though, I'm sure, Chantelle did, genuinely like Jodie.

Do You Have A Social Worker, Dicky?

2006-03-10T15:26:00.000Z

On balance, I'd prefer a gerbil.

A gerbil.

Dicky's Daily Ditty

2006-03-09T13:10:00.000Z

Today, Dicky is mashing his potato to 'Still a Friend Of Mine' by Incognito Which reminds me:

The Friends of Tessa Jowell still need you!

A Furry Lobster

2006-03-09T12:06:00.000Z

Fun facts about Furry Lobsters.

Bag For Sale (Used)

2006-03-08T21:44:00.000Z

She's selling a suitcase on eBay.
Though. as this is what she calls work: "Well, my job for the day was to go out with a guy called Jonah, who is the proud owner of the biggest willy in the world. Filth. I'm not gonna say anymore on it. Get the mag and you'll see what I mean by filth."
Ms Marsh opens her mouth and shows her class.
At last: Jodie Marsh explained.

Dicky's Daily Ditty

2006-03-08T18:17:00.000Z

Today Dicky Entrails has been dusting his broom along with Elmore James. "If you don't dig my potatoes, please don't shake my vine," makes a pretty decent 'Thought For The Day' too, doesn't it?

Let's Lick Litter

2006-03-08T14:21:00.000Z

Attentive readers may recall that Dicky has been approaching councils about the possibility of staging a Happening in their parks. Here's the next step: a detailed outline:

First of all I must say how delighted I am that so many local authorities have expressed a positive interest in hosting a Dicky Entrails Happening in their area!
Getting down to specifics, let's drop this in your duckpond and see if it paddles.
The whole piece could be summarised as a photo-story, a sort of strip cartoon, but with photographs rather than cartoons.
1: Dicky at home, reading the paper and sighing, "The world's in such a mess, I wish I could DO something.
2: Inspiration. (A lightbulb appears over Dicky's head!)
3: The actual Happening. An audience has been drawn by teasers announcing a "Happening" but with few details of what will actually happen, using partly traditional media, Time Out listing, press release, posters, etc, but also viral marketing via the web, blogs, e-cards, etc, the kind of approcah which made Flash Mobs work.
4: Shortly after the designated start time, when the audience are milling, unsure what will happen, Dicky will slip into his superhero outfit (Similar to above, but with a contrasting mask, cape, and external underpant area, obviously.)
An announcer with a megaphone calls out, "Is it a bird, is it a plane? No it's a masked mystery man, and he's (gasp) Picking up litter!"
5: Dicky picks up litter, while the audience gasp and hold up signs with "Zap, Kapow, etc" (we could Photoshop them on later, but it would be more fun to have then phsically present, like the 60s 'Batman' TV show. The actual litter provides opportunities for product placement for companies such as McDonalds, who I will be approaching re sponsorship.
6: Dicky decamps to preserve his secret identity, but the announcer says, "the masked mystery man has gone, but that doesn't have to be the end of it. Picking up litter doesn't have to be an extraordinary happening: it's something anyone can do, any time, let's start now. Let's Lick Litter!"
7: The final frame of the cartoon, which could be made into an A4 handout or blown up and exhibited, in addition to internet publication, ha sDicky at home contented, with the caption, "Dicky was mistaken. You don't have to be a superhero to fight litter, anyone can do it.. Lets Lick Litter Together!
An innovative artistic project, I'm sure you must agree, and one which stans out from the tawdry throng of supposedly "shocking" artists, the Tracey Emins and the Jake & Dinos Chapmans, by carrying a clear message of civic responsibility.
With you help it could happen.:
Let's Lick Litter

Dicky Entrails

Why I Have £270 Worth of Drugs On My Desk

2006-03-08T12:19:00.000Z

Last year I was treated for Hepatitis C at St Mary's Hospital in Paddington. One of the top places, an NHS flagship. Theoretically the treatment is very well organised, I would go in once a month, have tests, get the results of the previous month's tests, have a twenty minute chat with a specially trained nurse, collect my medication for the next month, etc. In theory. In fact my specialised nurse didn't much like taking blood, so would write out a chit and send me off to another hospital to have my sample extracted, and give me a prsecription to collect drugs from the pharmacy at St Mary's. What, precisely, my nurse did with the remaining 17 minutes allocated to the consultation I never asked.
Now the treatment regime for Hep C is constant, daily oral Ribavirin capsules, and weekly injections of Interferon, though some cases require a higher dose. It would have been possible for the liver unit to inform the pharmacy to expect, say, 14 standard dose prescriptions per week and 6 high doses, so that these could be prepared at a quiet moment and ready to hand out immediatley. No, each prescription was made up ad hoc and to save time they didn't count out the exact number of capsules, but gave us a whole box. 168 capsules, when 112 were needed. I expected there to be a smaller makeweight prescription near the end. No, I had to argue that I had more than enough at home before I was allowed not to take Ribavirin home on my fifth visit.
I have no objection to giving someone 100 aspirin rather than 84 because it's more cost effective than wasting time, but Ribavirin isn't cheap. If someone took the extra box the wasted drugs would cost roughly £1,000 per patient. I paid attention, refused surplus drus and still finished the course with 84 unused capsules, cost £270, as headline. I wonder how much of the NHS financial crisis comes from this kind of waste.

NHS: The Missing Millions

2006-03-08T12:07:00.000Z

While the NHS is run as an old-fashioned nationalised monopoly it is bound to be riddled with waste. (See above) What we need is real competition. I look forward to the day I walk into a shopping mall and am approached by a smiling young lady who says, "If you sign up to Fitco PLC for all your healthcare needs for just £**.99 per month we'll give you a free, on the spot, prostate examination, screen you for HIV/Hep C and give you a voucher valid for six months, giving a 25% discount on either cosmentic surgery OR residential drug/alcohol detoxification!"

International Womens' Day

2006-03-07T19:20:00.000Z

March 8th, so we must have some ladies' bits in the blog.
Whatever your gender, treat your reproductive organs with affection and respect today.

Lib Dems: New Look Front Bench

2006-03-07T14:45:00.000Z

Dicky's Daily Ditty

2006-03-07T14:28:00.000Z

I'm listening to one of the best albums never to have existed. It's a moot point whether Motown ever planned to release an album called "Barbara McNair Sings Smokey Robinson" but there are enough tracks extant to have made a magnificent album of the description, and they're available on "Barbara McNair: The Ultimate Motown Collection" . Some of the most satisfying material (against stiff competition) to have re-emerged from the Detroit vaults for years.

Dickie's Thought For The Day

2006-03-07T12:51:00.000Z

Why is it that if you go to the doctor and say, "I'm hearing the voice of God telling me what to do," they'll say you have a problem and prescribe some drugs, whereas if you say, "I've got a problem, I'm taking too many drugs," you'll be told to join a 12 step group and start praying so that God will tell you what to do...

Friends Of Tessa Jowell 2

2006-03-06T20:30:00.000Z

Tessa Jowell is still in Cabinet, so why not perk her up in her hour of need? Pop along to the Friends Of Tessa Jowell and leave her some cheery words of support.

A Taste Of Labour

2006-03-06T20:21:00.000Z

My sojurn on the sofa was only slightly disturbed by the news that John Prescott consumes vegetable curry with baked beans. "A maltreated colon can wreak a terrible revenge," warns Dicky Entrails, a man who knows of which he writes. But I came across £350,000 in used Euros down the side, which proves, it can happen to anyone, so!

Dicky's Daily Ditty

2006-03-06T18:36:00.000Z

Envisage - if you dare - Entrails unwinding on the sofa to the strains of Stan Getz. (Dicky rarely remains in a vertical position for too long nowadays.)
Bliss

And As For God

2006-03-06T14:15:00.000Z

"When it comes to Iraq we have to let God judge.

Iraq War Casualties.

It's funny, but I don't like animals and I don't like humans: and as for God, he's beginning to disgust me. Samuel Beckett: Molloy.

Flowerpot Men

2006-03-06T13:45:00.000Z

The young Dicky Entrails spent many a happy quarter of an hour in the company of Bill, Ben and Little Weed, until he realised that the whole concept of heads emerging from containers to speak was ripped off from Beckett's 'Endgame' and transferred his affection to 'Stingray'.
The whole idea of characters who speak in incomprehensible gobbledegook while being manipulated by highly visible strings seemed to have dropped out of fashion, until I chanced on the front page of the Labour Party's site, where labblogbill and labblogben give their independent and unbiased views. Not a string in sight, is there, kiddies?

Dickie's Thought For The Day

2006-03-06T13:40:00.000Z

Imagine a velvet glove gently caressing your spleen.

Inside Lib Dem HQ

2006-03-06T13:19:00.000Z

The spin doctors are working on image making.
- Right, so when people look at Ming what do they think?
- Old.
- Right. And what sort of image are we trying to create for the Lib Dems?
- Adventurous, young, sexy, anti-establishment, with a hint of danger.
- That's easy: snowboarding!
- And Ming?
- We put a Zimmer frame on the snow board.
- Right.

She's Still Standing

2006-03-05T20:41:00.000Z

As Tessa Jowell is, at the time of posting, still in office, Dicky has two questions for his readers.
1: In a week's time will Tessa Jowell be...
a: in the Cabinet?
b: on the backbenches?
c: in Holloway?
2: In a week's time should Tessa Jowell be...
a: in the Cabinet?
b: on the backbenches?
c: in Holloway?
Feel free to leave your opinions, here or on the Friends of Tessa Jowell.

Dickie's Thought For The Day

2006-03-05T15:59:00.000Z

Comfy slippers are hipper than cocaine from tomorrow.

Dickie's Dish of the Day

2006-03-05T14:43:00.000Z

As regular consumers of Entrails' ouevre will know, at weekends we like to print a picture designed to give our lady readers (and those gents whose tastes run that way too!) the kind of quiver of pleasure in the abdomen for which Premiership footballers are prepared to risk invalidating the warranties on their mobile phones.
It takes more than just good looks to become Dicky's Dish Of The Day. We also require an intellect sharp enough to slice steak, gallons of charisma, and a voice which is the aural equivalent of a massage. So it's no surprise that Dicky's latest Dish Of The Day is our compass on the Moral Maze, Tory MP for Surrey Heath, Times columnist, and self-confessed Notting Hill setter, Michael Gove.
We'd like this hunk of Aberdeen Angus rare, with neeps and tatties and a wee dram. (We're NOT making any Kennedyesque implications, we're sure Michael is a moderate and sensible drinker, just like Dicky, and, we hope, all our readers.)

Michael Gove

Slightly naughty thoughts involving Micheal Gove MP